I could not be more excited to share Francesca and Nelli’s Catholic and Hindu fusion wedding experience. I actually found Francesca on Instagram and admittedly slid into her DMs as soon as I saw pictures of her gorgeous fusion wedding. 

I feature these fusion weddings because as we were planning our fusion wedding, I realized there weren’t enough resources for multicultural couples. It can be really challenging and alienating when planning a wedding without many points of reference. My hope is that future multicultural brides and grooms are able to use these experiences as a resource when planning their big day!

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Hi everyone, my name is Francesca and I’m a guest blogger at Somewhere in Between!  I was excited when Neha approached me to write this article! Over the course of my writing journey, I’ve had the privilege of meeting many interracial couples but Neha and her husband were the first Catholic/Hindu interracial couple I’ve encountered – just like us! I admired how they incorporated traditions from their respective religions and even though Nelli and I did the same, we had a completely different approach to our wedding day.  I love the special touches that each couple brings to their ceremony to make it unique to them.

Meet Fran N Nelli

A little bit of background on “Fran N Nelli” – I grew up in the United States and both my parents are Catholic (my father is African American and my mother is Filipina).  They raised my siblings and I in the Catholic church and I grew up receiving many of the sacraments such as baptism, eucharist, reconciliation, and confirmation. Nelli is from Karnataka, India and grew up in a semi-conservative Hindu household – most members of his family adhered to their caste traditions through arranged marriages in their local communities.  Nelli and I are both engineers and crossed paths in San Francisco Bay area where we met at work – the rest is history!

Both of our families are extremely involved in their respective places of worship – my aunt and Nelli’s father, both retired, have leadership roles in the church/temple and execute many of the social and outreach events.

Over the 5 years that Nelli and I have been together, we’ve examined the gender and race roles between our two cultures and the influence it has on our marriage.

In the spirit of our commonalities, I would like to discuss the religious synergy both Neha and I brought to our wedding day.  I’m hoping people who read this can relate and maybe even get some tips along the way!

Bringing two families together from different backgrounds to participate in a traditionally religious ceremony can be a difficult task.

 Some of our families’ questions regarding our marriage plans were random but others were common when you are a Catholic or Hindu about to get married:  

Why is this wedding script all Hindu traditions?

Does everyone need to walk down the aisle?

Why aren’t you (Fran) getting married at a church?

Why is chicken being served for the reception?

Why don’t you (Nelli) have red powder on your forehead?

Why can’t I (Nelli’s father) hand you the mangalsutra?

We respectfully listened to our families’ feedback but we ultimately did it OUR way and, thankfully, they didn’t put up a big fight.  Here’s how we approached these questions and ultimately what we decided.

Wedding script

Probably the most on-going conversations from my family as well as Nelli’s were about the wedding script.  

We decided to have one 30 minute ceremony that encompassed both Catholic and Hindu traditions – this short time period encouraged us to edit and choose what traditions were most important to us. 

Nelli and I also didn’t have a priest or an officiant since we had already had a court wedding a few months before the wedding. We chose family members from both sides to lead the ceremony instead to make it more personal.  My side of the family gave some surprising feedback that they felt the ceremony was more Hindu than Catholic but I found it to be well balanced – counting the different traditions and showing them that it was equal on both sides put them at ease.  

Even though we incorporated a Prayer to Lord Ganesh, I did hesitate praying to our respective Gods because I wanted to keep the ceremony as non-religious as possible.  Yes, I did have a Bible reading but I avoided asking for blessings from any higher being. We decided as a couple to include the Lord Ganesh prayer because it was really important to Nelli.  The Declaration of Marriage intention is a Catholic wedding tradition that is a series of questions the couple answers. I think one of the original questions is somewhere along the lines of “Will you promise to raise your children under the Catholic Church” which Nelli was initially uncomfortable with.  Instead of taking the question out, my aunt suggested that we say something that can be applicable to both religions like “Will you accept children lovingly from God?” which Nelli and I both agreed was appropriate.

Walking down the aisle

A seemingly easy task that involved many conversations was walking down the aisle.  Future brides – be prepared for simple aspects of the wedding that are actually steeped in protocol and tradition!  My father and aunt were so confused as to why the whole immediate family was walking down the aisle. 

Apparently, in a Catholic wedding the groom waits at the altar and there are ushers (not family members) walking the mothers to their seats.  In many Hindu weddings, both sets of parents are already sitting at the mandap (Indian version of the altar) and the bride is accompanied by a close uncle and female friends/family members. In the end, I decided not to change anything and have all the immediately family walk down the aisle because it was my way of honoring them. In the end, my parents loved the idea and it was another way for them to feel a part of the ceremony.

Ceremony venue

My family wanted our ceremony in a church, where our marriage could be officially recognized by the Catholic institution.  Hindu wedding locales are very flexible as long as there is a hindu priest/ceremony – most Indian weddings in the US are in a hotel.  Marriage in the Catholic Church is considered a sacrament and along with that comes with A LOT of requirements and preparation. One requirement is that one person must be Catholic and the other has to be at least a baptized Christian.  Since Nelli was Hindu, we did not consider a church marriage and besides, we wanted an outdoor wedding to reflect our love of nature. Once I explained this to my family, they were happy with our decision even though my aunt was at a loss of words when our family congregation in Chicago asked what church we were getting married in…eek!  Through Neha’s blog and online research, I realized that it’s still possible to have a valid Catholic marriage (church wedding and all) even thought it will not be a sacrament.  I found this website to be straightforward and helpful for any Catholic interfaith couples who would like a Catholic ceremony.  

Food

Nelli and his family are strict vegetarians based on their caste/religion and his parents mainly eat Indian food whereas my family eat meat.  

Based on these details we decided to have two caterers – one serving Indian food and the other American food.

Even though it was more expensive and stressful managing two food vendors, I loved the variety they provided during our wedding day.

 Nelli’s family said the Indian food was the best they’ve ever had at a wedding – that’s saying a lot based on how often they attend family functions! We had Indian food only at our Sangeet, an evening event before the wedding day where we dance, eat, and do henna.  My small request was to have chicken tikka masala but Nelli’s mother questioned having a meat dish. Once we explained to her that we were trying to appease the different diets of our guests (80% non-vegetarians) she thought it was a good decision.

Ceremony Elements

There were MANY elements to our ceremony: Garlands, Broom, Necklace, Rings, and an Agni (Sacred Fire) holder!  Another seemingly easy process to incorporate these symbols into our script but the devil is always in the details.  Before the ceremony, Nelli’s father wanted to put red powder on Nelli’s forehead – he even went as far as asking for an aunt’s red lipstick when we told him we didn’t have any powder; I admired his resourcefulness! It was a last minute request and we didn’t have any so it was easy to explain why we weren’t doing it and quickly moved on with the day.  

Nelli and I did have conversations surrounding gender based traditions such as a sindoor/tilak ceremony but ultimately we decided it didn’t really represent our values.

Another one of Nelli’s father’s requests was for him to hand Nelli the mangalsutra during the ceremony.  After some thoughtful conversations, since he asked us a couple days before, Nelli and I agreed to put both the necklace and rings in his brother’s pocket.  Nelli’s family is used to being involved in tying the mangalsutra and sitting at the mandap helping the priest through the script. I wanted Nelli’s family to be involved in a different way – his brother was the ceremony lead in addition to my aunt and our wedding party only consisted of family members.  After all is said and done – I wanted our parents to sit in the audience and enjoy the moments of the ceremony, I’m hoping they loved how it all came together.

Reflections

Our wedding was a mirror that reflects how Nelli and I want to share our lives together.   We wanted our wedding to transcend tradition as well as parental expectations and truly design a day that reflects both of us.

 We have learned that a deep respect for our backgrounds has been key in our marriage. Being in a multicultural marriage has many challenges but it’s an incomparable feeling to be exposed to new viewpoints.

These experiences that I share with Nelli have and continue to change the way I see the world. Having a partner that is so different from you but accepts you as you are are and doesn’t want to change a thing is priceless! 

About the Authors:

Francesca and Nelli are engineers based in San Jose, California.  They like to hike, watch Netflix, eat out and explore new places. They love to write about their experiences navigating through the world in a relationship that spans across cultural, religious, and racial boundaries.  They like to share our personal journey in hopes of helping other interracial couples and to just provide people insight to the places they’ve been.

IG: frannnelli // raghavnelli// Blog: frannnelli.wordpress.com